NOTE: This is something I wrote for the graduate newsletter at my company(yes, finally after months of keeping the 15 odd readers of the blog waiting, I am back again!). It was accused of being too casual, but then again, this is how I write. Read along 🙂
Once upon a time not so long ago, a group of self-proclaimed scientists at some University issued an alarming report about morbidly overweight, procrastinating and naive undergraduates evolving into a brand new species altogether. Homo Fatboyslim, as they called them, futilely tried blaming this unusual phenomenon on the usual culprit-Global Warming. It was somewhere around this time that one of the Fatboyslim’s began to understand the ridiculousness of his existence. As a graduate, he had to carve a place in the eco-system to survive albeit via trial and error. Newton’s most underrated assistant once said, “When there is some work to be done, and entities you can get to do the work for you, then it’s customary to divide the work into the amount that you want each entity to do for you. Consequently, each entity has a job and can justify its existence.” At the dawn of this realization, he landed himself a job at XYZ. Gradually, his gene pool grew more and more stagnant allowing him to classify the mutations that arose till date.
College i.e. before XYZ:
- Stage 1- ‘What’s my skill’: The species try to develop their sense of humour as a defence mechanism. Unsure about their core competencies, the members at this stage can be found initiating awkward conversations and asking a flurry of questions about the space time continuum.
- Stage 2- ‘Chilling out is next to godliness’: The breed develops a rare sense that it can successfully postpone everything that is inevitable or has a deadline, including death. Members of the species can be found listening to Trash Metal and rebelling against authority figures in a bid to appear ‘Cool’er than the lesser mortals.
- Stage 3- ‘The genius in me’: A certain member of the species realizes that despite all the procrastinations, he has managed to be amongst the top few students at the college. His seemingly weird technical projects contradicting the laws of physics actually won him accolades. He gets hired by XYZ for the ‘genius’ in him.
- Stage 4- ‘The Induction Process’: The ‘graduate’ then arrives for his foray into the corporate world expecting gruelling sessions consisting of business jargons and the importance of suits/formal wear. Instead he is exposed to a whole new dimension where he participates in games and storytelling exercises. Learning is not by unending presentations but over unlimited lunch buffets at his favourite hotels with the high and mighty at the company.
- Stage 5- ‘The SASsy life and gaming hysteria’: After being aware of the history and culture of XYZ, the ‘graduate’ now prepares for a systematic technological training. Despite being from a background where he could just ‘Code HTML for food,’ he learns under the guidance of his mentors who emphasize on clarity of concept and on-the-job training. If not in the cafeteria, he can most definitely be found sneaking into the holy portals leading to the Nintendo Wii and foosball rooms.
- Stage 6- ‘The Super Awesome Graduate’: After the gaming sessions (and the training!), the graduate is armed with the weapon of confidence to encounter the real world challenges facing XYZ. He interacts with his team and the market counterparts to devise strategies imperative in improving the overall customer experience. With confidence oozing out of his body, he is better, cooler and awesomer than any of the Homo Fatboyslim’s.
The evolution however continues. In the company of fellow geniuses, the ‘graduate’ now is ready to face the challenges that lie ahead of him. As a confession, he still likes to freak the un-evolved Fatboyslim’s by referring to the death of someone as family downsizing and sending Birthday cards with bullet points. He just hopes that sometime in the future if someone references to this very article, he instead of hyperventilating, changes the subject successfully.