This is Chatur Cheetah reporting live from the campus of Delhi Tormentology University (DTU), previously known as DCE, for our show Andha Kanoon. Remember the days when your parents stopped you from indulging in anything that is good and pure (read as drugs and alcohol, and might include sex if you are not in an engineering college). “There is a time and place for everything and it’s called College”, they said. Well Tom, students at DTU have reported that their dreams have been shattered due to some new policies being observed by the DTU officials. Presenting a brief report on our startling observations:
Consumption of alcohol and smoking have been banned in the college premises. An outraged student Charsi Daruwala had this to say, “This is freaking ridiculous. Everybody knows smoking is good for your health. The smoke settles down and suffocates the bacteria and other germs in your body. And whatever happened to the fact ‘beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder’. The college has turned into some kind of fascist dunghole.”
In another event, the cultural council has decided to change the name of the annual fest (again!) from EngiFest to EngiFist keeping in mind the recent violent outbursts. We have reports of a possible harassment of VictimGirl_1 by a group of Bawana Boys who stopped her and sang “Woofer tu meri, main tera amplifier”, while his friend HeroBoy_1 was dragged and beat up. On the same day another girl, VictimGirl_2 was almost runover by an inebriated youth. The college authorities had this to say, “We dont take kindly to people like these. VictimGirls_1and2 as well as HeroBoy_1 have been suspended from the college. It is high time people realize that violence and vulgarity is acceptable, while heroism is contagious and hence condemned.”
In another NEWS Tom, the Vice- Chance-pe-Dancellor of DTU was found rehearsing Gabbar’s dialogues, ‘Holi kab hai, kab hai holi’. It has come to our attention that students have been banned from playing holi in the college campus and strict action shall be taken against anyone found indulging in the festival of colour. Official sources have said that playing with colours is unconstitutional and if it were up to them, they would trap and jail any Indian who dared play holi. Unofficial sources however mentioned that the Vice Chance-pe-Dancellor is more worried about the fact that if people play holi his Ujala Safedi hair would become Technicolor and hence the action.
We have always suspected that the college was pro bullcrap and anti girls. Our suspicion was strengthened by the name of the Lead Band performing at the star night of EngiFist, ‘Bandish’. Our experts point out that this is a clear indication of the fact that the college wants to imprison ( bandi in hindi) all the girls (bandi in delhi terms). Aha!
It is clear Tom that the college authorities are now scared of the genetically superior females and consider them potentially dangerous. We look at some of the keywords that defined the situations before and after the DTU conspiracy:
Before- Integrated Leftist Liberal
After- Gay Idiotic Retarded Loser-like Socialist
If we closely observe the highlighted terms, it reads KILL GIRLS!!! So Tom, we have unearthed the agenda of the DTU authorities. The question is what are we going to do about it!!!
PS: All resemblances are completely coincidental.
PPS: Yes yes, the post is heavily inspired by SOUTHPARK_/\_