PPS- Share/RT the comics if you like them (yeah yeah, I know I am the Rakhi Sawant of blogosphere. But, a little whoring never hurt anybody )

Ever since I can remember, I have been deeply intrigued by the Zombie flicks. How I wish that the world gets plagued by a virus or God’s wrath turning us all (well not all, even Zombies need to eat) into flesh hungry brain eating Zombies. Every time I watch a Zombie themed movie, a small part inside of me dies when the so-called good guys splatter the brain of these innocent creatures all over the place. How I wish there were movies where zombies reign supreme because, well lets face it, Zombies are pretty awesome!

Making weird disgusted faces are we? Well, screw you. Who do you think would win a duel between you and a super cool Zombie if the girl of your dreams decides to marry the winner (Trust me, girls can ask you to do pretty random and nasty stuff to prove your love towards them)? I just finished an episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ where a bunch of Zombies conducted a planned assault and fed on a bunch of survivors. This got me all pumped up to write about why exactly given an option between being a Zombie or an apocalypse survivor, I would without blinking an eyelid, choose the former.

1. Zombies don’t grow fat: Seriously, how many fat Zombies have you ever come across in movies? With all the walking in search for fresh flesh, these super awesome beings unintentionally get all the exercise they need. Moreover, irrespective of the number of meals you have in a day, their bodies plainly refuse to store any blubby blabby fat. No more ‘I-am-not-fat-I-am-big-boned’ crap for these majestic creatures.
2. Zombies can’t dance saala: What is the idea of a perfect world for you? Utopia for me is the scenario where no one ever dances or asks you to dance. I have always maintained a theory that ‘Standing in loneliness is better than dancing in awkwardness’. Zombies never dance. And imagine the audacity of a female who dares to try teaching a few moves to a Zombie. He wouldn’t oblige like you and I, he would do what we guys wish to do and can never do (not getting into the details )
3. Zombies are not social animals: I have always admitted that social situations make me awkward. That is why I get all weak in the knees thinking about being a Zombie. These awe-inspiring, beautiful gifts of God do not care about developing social skills. No Zombie was ever thrown out of the Zombie society for not saying hello! Even in this socially handicapped situation, a Zombie bro never forgets to let his other Zombie bros know if there is a human in his close vicinity.
4. Hostellers are pseudo-zombies: Believe it or not, anyone who has ever lived in a hostel is by default a pseudo-zombie. We have the uttermost disregard for personal hygiene and are immune to even the most inedible forms of food served in the hostel mess. Admit it or not, you can take the hosteller out of a hostel but you can’t take the hostel out of a hosteller (makes sense?). In essence, hostellers are as close to zombies as most of you will see in your life.
5. You don’t mess with the Zombie: If you do not own a weapon, you might as well bow down to the mighty Zombie power. Members of the female kind can try slapping or punching a Zombie for slipping out a heavily encrypted version of ” Asaman main tede daun, laakhon taare tede daun’, but this potentially lethal move by the punchee is as good as saying “BITE ME”. Impressive, eh?
6. Zombies help you find a girlfriend: Contrary to the entire portrayal of Zombies as the bad guys, they actually can do the survivors a lot of good. If the world was taken over by the Zombies, it would only raise the probability of girls finding you more attractive. Of course, if you are like me and chicks still prefer Zombies over you, there is till an option of turning into one! Remember my golden rule, “If you love someone, don’t let them fly. If they do manage to fly and then realize that they love you and come back, turn into a zombie and eat them. If they don’t come back, you are as good as a zombie anyway “
7. Zombies don’t feed on the feelings crap: And finally, the nail in the coffin. Zombies do not believe in the concept of relationships. They do not suffer from pangs of guilt or remorse. The exchange of saliva is limited to bites and the lust for flesh ends the very moment you have no flesh left to feed on

So now you know all about my Zombie fascination. In the distant future, if you ever need a volunteer to try out a new and potentially lethal virus that might turn us all into a Walker/Zombie, contact me. Else, if you ever turn into a magnificent flesh hungry monster yourself, do not hesitate to feed on me, while in the process adding me to the League of Extraordinary Gentle-zombies

i-Race

Have you ever tried to do a few pushups and realize that some parts of your body refuse to leave the floor? What if your children looked through your wedding album and wanted to know who their mom’s first husband was? Unfortunately for me, this paranoia is my reality. After hours and hours of trying to touch my toes went in vain, I simply declared that it was humanly impossible to achieve this feat of pure awesomeness. A little more analysis (which at dunnhumby is my bread and butter!) led me to understand that this was in fact not correct. What do plump (read as morbidly overweight) boys do in this scenario? Well, like me, they develop their sense of humor as a defense mechanism and become volunteers at charity marathons. This is precisely what I decided to do when the Helping Hands team here at dunnhumby India decided to hold the iRace! 

Based on the unique concept of challenging ones own limits, the i-Race considered the best possible performance for every runner and set up a unique challenge. Essentially, I-Race used a combination of two sophisticated models that adjust for differences in your racing ability due to age, gender, race distance, height and weight to predict your theoretical best time thus building a “human frontier”. The winner is the one who gets closest to HIS human frontier. In still simpler terms, it offered even people like me an opportunity to win (which of course I didn’t).

To keep you updated with the hoopla surrounding the race, I present to you the official FAKEBOOK page of I-Race. While, I would love to say that all the similarities are completely intentional and in no way coincidental, I am advised against doing it. So here it goes. First one to guess which of these comments are actually true gets, ummmm, well an honorary mention in the comment thread

A few lines from the post match interview:

 Atulya- So Paul, how does it feel to win the i-Race?

Paul- For all the people with their ‘Yo Mama’ jokes…Who’s your daddy now?

All in all, the event was a success and the fact that it was for a good cause might just help us earn some brownie points with the Lord Almighty ( or ‘The one who must not be named’ for the atheists and the agnostics). 

Two successful events and one brutally offensive article later, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Google search for my name looks something like this:

Hope this isn’t the case!