Grief and a glass of water

PS- This is a completely personal point of view (though I am sure you guys would agree )

PPS- Share/RT the comics if you like them (yeah yeah, I know I am the Rakhi Sawant of blogosphere. But, a little whoring never hurt anybody )

 

Metallica Cancelled :D

Katta कट्टा or Katt कट्ट is a modern Hindi colloquial word used as an adjective to describe an event that is either wrong or undesired to a person(s). It can be used as “tera toh katta hogaya” or “mera toh katta hogaya, dad got to know about the marks.” Or it can be used in a casual tone just to warn someone about something like “yeh mat kar warna tera katt jayega”.  (source: Wikipedia)

 

Happy The Wall-e Peeps! :)

Why I would rather be a Zombie!

Ever since I can remember, I have been deeply intrigued by the Zombie flicks. How I wish that the world gets plagued by a virus or God’s wrath turning us all (well not all, even Zombies need to eat) into flesh hungry brain eating Zombies. Every time I watch a Zombie themed movie, a small part inside of me dies when the so-called good guys splatter the brain of these innocent creatures all over the place. How I wish there were movies where zombies reign supreme because, well lets face it, Zombies are pretty awesome!

Making weird disgusted faces are we? Well, screw you. Who do you think would win a duel between you and a super cool Zombie if the girl of your dreams decides to marry the winner (Trust me, girls can ask you to do pretty random and nasty stuff to prove your love towards them)? I just finished an episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ where a bunch of Zombies conducted a planned assault and fed on a bunch of survivors. This got me all pumped up to write about why exactly given an option between being a Zombie or an apocalypse survivor, I would without blinking an eyelid, choose the former.

1. Zombies don’t grow fat: Seriously, how many fat Zombies have you ever come across in movies? With all the walking in search for fresh flesh, these super awesome beings unintentionally get all the exercise they need. Moreover, irrespective of the number of meals you have in a day, their bodies plainly refuse to store any blubby blabby fat. No more ‘I-am-not-fat-I-am-big-boned’ crap for these majestic creatures.
2. Zombies can’t dance saala: What is the idea of a perfect world for you? Utopia for me is the scenario where no one ever dances or asks you to dance. I have always maintained a theory that ‘Standing in loneliness is better than dancing in awkwardness’. Zombies never dance. And imagine the audacity of a female who dares to try teaching a few moves to a Zombie. He wouldn’t oblige like you and I, he would do what we guys wish to do and can never do (not getting into the details )
3. Zombies are not social animals: I have always admitted that social situations make me awkward. That is why I get all weak in the knees thinking about being a Zombie. These awe-inspiring, beautiful gifts of God do not care about developing social skills. No Zombie was ever thrown out of the Zombie society for not saying hello! Even in this socially handicapped situation, a Zombie bro never forgets to let his other Zombie bros know if there is a human in his close vicinity.
4. Hostellers are pseudo-zombies: Believe it or not, anyone who has ever lived in a hostel is by default a pseudo-zombie. We have the uttermost disregard for personal hygiene and are immune to even the most inedible forms of food served in the hostel mess. Admit it or not, you can take the hosteller out of a hostel but you can’t take the hostel out of a hosteller (makes sense?). In essence, hostellers are as close to zombies as most of you will see in your life.
5. You don’t mess with the Zombie: If you do not own a weapon, you might as well bow down to the mighty Zombie power. Members of the female kind can try slapping or punching a Zombie for slipping out a heavily encrypted version of ” Asaman main tede daun, laakhon taare tede daun’, but this potentially lethal move by the punchee is as good as saying “BITE ME”. Impressive, eh?
6. Zombies help you find a girlfriend: Contrary to the entire portrayal of Zombies as the bad guys, they actually can do the survivors a lot of good. If the world was taken over by the Zombies, it would only raise the probability of girls finding you more attractive. Of course, if you are like me and chicks still prefer Zombies over you, there is till an option of turning into one! Remember my golden rule, “If you love someone, don’t let them fly. If they do manage to fly and then realize that they love you and come back, turn into a zombie and eat them. If they don’t come back, you are as good as a zombie anyway “
7. Zombies don’t feed on the feelings crap: And finally, the nail in the coffin. Zombies do not believe in the concept of relationships. They do not suffer from pangs of guilt or remorse. The exchange of saliva is limited to bites and the lust for flesh ends the very moment you have no flesh left to feed on

So now you know all about my Zombie fascination. In the distant future, if you ever need a volunteer to try out a new and potentially lethal virus that might turn us all into a Walker/Zombie, contact me. Else, if you ever turn into a magnificent flesh hungry monster yourself, do not hesitate to feed on me, while in the process adding me to the League of Extraordinary Gentle-zombies

Articles that might get you fired (or not!)

NOTE: This controversial article was written by me as an event update on the company intranet. It includes a series of offensive jokes on almost all my bosses and seniors. Despite my initial apprehensions, it turned out to be a huge hit. So check it out.

i-Race

Have you ever tried to do a few pushups and realize that some parts of your body refuse to leave the floor? What if your children looked through your wedding album and wanted to know who their mom’s first husband was? Unfortunately for me, this paranoia is my reality. After hours and hours of trying to touch my toes went in vain, I simply declared that it was humanly impossible to achieve this feat of pure awesomeness. A little more analysis (which at dunnhumby is my bread and butter!) led me to understand that this was in fact not correct. What do plump (read as morbidly overweight) boys do in this scenario? Well, like me, they develop their sense of humor as a defense mechanism and become volunteers at charity marathons. This is precisely what I decided to do when the Helping Hands team here at dunnhumby India decided to hold the iRace! 

Based on the unique concept of challenging ones own limits, the i-Race considered the best possible performance for every runner and set up a unique challenge. Essentially, I-Race used a combination of two sophisticated models that adjust for differences in your racing ability due to age, gender, race distance, height and weight to predict your theoretical best time thus building a “human frontier”. The winner is the one who gets closest to HIS human frontier. In still simpler terms, it offered even people like me an opportunity to win (which of course I didn’t).

To keep you updated with the hoopla surrounding the race, I present to you the official FAKEBOOK page of I-Race. While, I would love to say that all the similarities are completely intentional and in no way coincidental, I am advised against doing it. So here it goes. First one to guess which of these comments are actually true gets, ummmm, well an honorary mention in the comment thread

  

  

 

A few lines from the post match interview:

 Atulya- So Paul, how does it feel to win the i-Race?

Paul- For all the people with their ‘Yo Mama’ jokes…Who’s your daddy now?

All in all, the event was a success and the fact that it was for a good cause might just help us earn some brownie points with the Lord Almighty ( or ‘The one who must not be named’ for the atheists and the agnostics). 

Two successful events and one brutally offensive article later, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Google search for my name looks something like this:

Hope this isn’t the case!

Rajnikanth’s Diwali :D

NOTE: Originally Ashutosh Kumar’s idea…Thanks Ashu!

Rajnikanth can Save DCE!

The Evolution of a Graduate

NOTE: This is something I wrote for the graduate newsletter at my company(yes, finally after months of keeping the 15 odd readers of the blog waiting, I am back again!). It was accused of being too casual, but then again, this is how I write. Read along

Once upon a time not so long ago, a group of self-proclaimed scientists at some University issued an alarming report about morbidly overweight, procrastinating and naive undergraduates evolving into a brand new species altogether. Homo Fatboyslim, as they called them, futilely tried blaming this unusual phenomenon on the usual culprit-Global Warming. It was somewhere around this time that one of the Fatboyslim’s began to understand the ridiculousness of his existence. As a graduate, he had to carve a place in the eco-system to survive albeit via trial and error. Newton’s most underrated assistant once said, “When there is some work to be done, and entities you can get to do the work for you, then it’s customary to divide the work into the amount that you want each entity to do for you. Consequently, each entity has a job and can justify its existence.” At the dawn of this realization, he landed himself a job at XYZ. Gradually, his gene pool grew more and more stagnant allowing him to classify the mutations that arose till date.

 College i.e. before XYZ: 

• Stage 1- ‘What’s my skill’: The species try to develop their sense of humour as a defence mechanism. Unsure about their core competencies, the members at this stage can be found initiating awkward conversations and asking a flurry of questions about the space time continuum. 
• Stage 2- ‘Chilling out is next to godliness’:  The breed develops a rare sense that it can successfully postpone everything that is inevitable or has a deadline, including death. Members of the species can be found listening to Trash Metal and rebelling against authority figures in a bid to appear ‘Cool’er than the lesser mortals.
• Stage 3- ‘The genius in me’: A certain member of the species realizes that despite all the procrastinations, he has managed to be amongst the top few students at the college. His seemingly weird technical projects contradicting the laws of physics actually won him accolades. He gets hired by XYZ for the ‘genius’ in him.

After XYZ:

• Stage 4- ‘The Induction Process’: The ‘graduate’ then arrives for his foray into the corporate world expecting gruelling sessions consisting of business jargons and the importance of suits/formal wear. Instead he is exposed to a whole new dimension where he participates in games and storytelling exercises. Learning is not by unending presentations but over unlimited lunch buffets at his favourite hotels with the high and mighty at the company.
• Stage 5- ‘The SASsy life and gaming hysteria’: After being aware of the history and culture of XYZ, the ‘graduate’ now prepares for a systematic technological training. Despite being from a background where he could just ‘Code HTML for food,’ he learns under the guidance of his mentors who emphasize on clarity of concept and on-the-job training. If not in the cafeteria, he can most definitely be found sneaking into the holy portals leading to the Nintendo Wii and foosball rooms.
• Stage 6- ‘The Super Awesome Graduate’: After the gaming sessions (and the training!), the graduate is armed with the weapon of confidence to encounter the real world challenges facing XYZ. He interacts with his team and the market counterparts to devise strategies imperative in improving the overall customer experience. With confidence oozing out of his body, he is better, cooler and awesomer than any of the Homo Fatboyslim’s.

The evolution however continues. In the company of fellow geniuses, the ‘graduate’ now is ready to face the challenges that lie ahead of him. As a confession, he still likes to freak the un-evolved Fatboyslim’s by referring to the death of someone as family downsizing and sending Birthday cards with bullet points. He just hopes that sometime in the future if someone references to this very article, he instead of hyperventilating, changes the subject successfully.

My New Home

I know its been ages since I updated my blog. Now, I could give you lame excuses about being busy and shit. Yes, I have technically started working with dh and am employed. But the truth is, all we have been doing for the past 2 weeks is having truck loads of food at the Radisson and shit loads of fun. The best part is, we are being paid for it \m/

I have shifted bases to D14/11, Ardee City, Gurgaon. The “Fully Furnished” house is going to be home for the next few, errrr, I dunno . Anyhow, here are a few pictures of our place.

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  Will try to keep you updated about all that’s happening with me. Till then, enjoy the pics and stay in touch

PS: I humbly request all those who know me to please let me know if “gold” framed aviators would suit me. I have laid my hands on a pair of Ray Bans and it would be a terrible waste to just let them rot.

College Comics

1. Don’t you dare take credit for my work

2. 4 ol z Orkut Fraandz!

3. If you love Atif Aslam…God doesn’t love you!

4. DIE Bitcha DIE

 

NOTE: The idea for these comics came after I saw this http://www.sadanduseless.com/

Disclaimer: All images are low-resolution, used only for purposes of demonstration and for no monetary gain. Copyright of original works resides with the original creators.

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